Sunday, September 1, 2013

Half a dozen things you can do, now that the 'Food' is secure

Now that the Food Security Bill has been passed, here are a few things honest, hard-working and more importantly, tax-paying citizens of India need to start doing. But before that, let me outline a few ways in which the FSB will impact us.

Rice, Wheat and some cereals will be cheaper. But not for you, because whatever available grain is there in this country, will go to the 67% of the country that you do not fall into. Now with the grains so cheap, there will be wastage and over consumption by those who get them. We don't have a problem with a little over consumption, I mean, as long as somebody's gob is getting stuffed (Not that it will be doing them any good, because they will still be malnourished from lack of most essential nutrients). But the wastage through an acknowledged under-prepared public distribution system means that whatever is produced in the country will go to 67%. The other 33% will have to find their own grub from elsewhere. Veggies will probably become a thing of the past (or again, too expensive), as farmers will be assured that their grains will be bought. Fruits will probably become so rare that your kid's books will have A for Anaaj (grain) instead of A for Apple. So basically, everything will become damn expensive, inflation will go crazy, the rupee exchange rate will go nuts, and whatever money you have saved for a rainy day will be worth peanuts. Well not actually, because peanuts will also be quite expensive.

There is a silver lining if you really want to see it though. Pregnant women and children under the age of 14 will get free meals. (And you thought we had a population problem?) So the kid might not have fancy stuff or education (too expensive already) or potatoes, but he will have a cereal breakfast, dry roti/bread for lunch and plain rice for dinner.

So how do you gear up for this?

1. I just mentioned the rainy day right?...well its here, or will be within the next 5 years, so start saving prudently. Buy gold. Buy land. Forget the fixed deposits and stocks. If you have the means, invest abroad (any country except Zimbabwe will do)

2. Take pictures of every vegetable you eat. You can show them to your kids so that they can be sure to grab one in case they ever come across one.

3. Save the seeds of any fruit you eat. Plant them wherever you can.

4. Quit your job. Fudging tax returns is too difficult and limited in scope for a salaried person. Do something really productive in the free time. Like growing fruits, vegetables and herbs at home. Convert a bedroom into a greenhouse, you won't need a bed because you will be losing sleep over it all anyways.

5. Start a business and pay yourself a salary that is within the zero tax bracket. Your business may fail due to the stagnating economy, but so will the company you work for currently, same difference. What? Your company is not Indian? Well they might be getting the hell out of here soon so start buttering up that on-site manager for relocation....and start working on a business plan anyway. What? you work for the government? Start networking to get in-touch with government employees in the Food Corporation of India (FCI) who can steal some grains for you....and drop in a mail to me when you do. I'll need some of that.

6. Don't let your kids learn too much. High school should be about enough really. After all, the three highest paying professions in India don't require a degree. Cricketer, Actor or Politician (in decreasing level of skill required) is what your kids should aspire to if they want to stay in the 33%. The last one is most recommended as everything is free for them anyways and generational continuity is almost assured.

Well, I am sure there are plenty more things we can do now that the 'Food' is secure, but you know what, if everyone starts doing these half a dozen things, we're going belly up as a country anyways. So it doesn't really matter what you do does it!?

Finally, I guess I don't have to emphasize the fact that I am going a bit of over the top in this doomsday prophesying, but things aren't really going to be much better than this. I mean I bought 3 smallish apples for 100 bucks today, and they were the cheapest ones in the store. I don't think I will be buying them apples anytime soon.

Monday, May 6, 2013

Farcebook

Apart from the odd drunken status and the funny video, facebook has become quite boring nowadays. Free and overused, it just evokes the been-there-seen-that-pic emotion now. I've observed a few things that piss me off about facebook and like a typical facebooker I decided I wanted to enlist these. If anything it would keep me off facebook for a half an hour.
    Everyone stalks, get over it. Stop clicking on links that promise to show you people who've 'checked you out'. For one, there is no such app because that data is not made available by facebook. Secondly, even if there was such an app and you did find out who visited your profile, before you give yourself an ego boost, think of the time when you were bored doing nothing and started clicking on random people and their friends. There's probably a term like 'wall-surfing' or 'profile-browsing' or something. If there isn't, there should be one.
    Likes for a pic put up by a girl = 10 x likes for same pic put up by a guy...but thats a given isn't it? 
    When people copy paste your status, they will comment something like "Cool! stealing this! " (stupid heart emoticon) or they might tag you in the paste. No guesses for the gender stereotype established here. Why can't you just use the 'via' option you flintstone-ic morons.
    People who send friend requests to unknown people are probably under the delusion that facebook friends equate to real friends....oh, and people who block such friend requests are most certainly under that delusion
    Every once in a while some topic will go viral and a whole bunch of people will try to display their wit by posting (or stealing) some pearls of wisdom/wit/stupidity till your feed is a constant sludge of putrid pearls
    Then someone will post a status saying how fed up he/she is of seeing that topic on his/her feed. Remember, this someone is trying to console his/her ego for not coming up with (or stealing) something on the topic
    For non-football lovers having football loving 'friends' like me could well be a pain in the arse. But that's just payback for how it is in the real world. We want to head down to the sports pub to catch the match while you have to insist on dragging us to the movies, well take this barrage of banter, pics, and meaningless/endless arguments. Ha!
    If you've just posted a comment on a pic saying 'like! " (stupid heart emoticon again)....congratulations! You just advertised your stupidity! They put a 'like' button there for a reason dumbass!...Don't even get me started on 'supah like! '
    Sites like Quora are a welcome relief from facebook, until everyone on facebook starts using them
    The side-bar of ads was timed perfectly was it not!? They waited for the feeds to become so boring that the ads seem more interesting now
    Some people like to deactivate and then re-activate their account often. No there's no wise-ass comment here, I just have no clue why people do that. Just stop using it if you are fed up!
    Fake accounts. Who the hell made all those accounts!! There are 13 accounts with my name (no i wasn't doing a narcissistic search)...atleast 12 of them are clearly fake...what the hell! Yeah, check your name now, you will be surprised...
    People who 'check-in' the movies they are watching are just feeling guilty about the calls they are not going to pick-up while their phone's on silent
    If looks weren't important, facebook wouldn't have been conceived, so take that bullshit notion somewhere else. On a related note, people with actors' pics as their profile pics...you lost the plot there a bit....Also when unknown people ask "Is that your pic?" to the aforementioned people, it is so freaking funny innit! Its like an army of idiots let loose on each other
    Respect to those who share interesting and thought provoking articles, videos and pics. But really its a losing battle people. Stuff like P Sainath's "Nero's Guests" goes unnoticed here. Well why wouldn't it, when kolaveri di went viral like it did.
    I quite like cribbing on facebook, I also like to see people crib on it. As long as it reduces atleast some of the cribbing I have to do or hear in real life...it's a win-win in my book (pun intended). In fact, if you haven't noticed yet, this list is a crib...about facebook....i should share this on facebook.
    Endless debates and rants on someone else's wall also fall into the above category of win-win situations
    People 'wishing' everyone 'happy birthday' on facebook...it is so cliche that the only thing more irritating is when the birthday person starts replying to each and every 'wish'. Someone write some code to block that crap from my feed
    Facebook messages. For the life of me i can't understand why it doesn't have a bcc option...
    When i say i am 'not-attending' an event, why does facebook still keep reminding me about it!?? And how can people add me to weirrd groups that i have absolutely no interest in!??
Having ranted, I think it is still fun to use facebook. Catching up with long lost friends, seeing pictures of new born nephew's and nieces, and friends going places. It isn't an entire waste of time....it does have the potential though. As long as you don't take it all too seriously you should be fine wasting your time on facebook. Unfortunately, of late, the wrong kind of people have started taking it seriously...advertisers, parents and employers.